I was 14yrs when myself & my sibling got the news that my Mum had died suddenly from a heart attack in the psych hospital on the west coast of Ireland in Co.Mayo. For years my mum had been in and out of hospital and was staying longer in than out as the years passed. The autopsy reported that it was 2 different types of medication that she had taken or was giving to her that had caused the heart attack to suddenly occur to this women of 34 years.
My mum had suffered for many years from post natal depression which started after I was born and this got progressively worst over the years until she was verging onto the diagnosis of schizophrenia around the time of her death. I recall over hearing when I a child about her having electrical shock treatments and being on lithium meds and others I don't no the names of. Both my parents took different concoctions of medications for different reasons.
I as her first child born in 1978 loved this women unconditionally and I have some special memories with her. There were times when she would be my protector from a potential punch aiming my way from my father whom came from the era of when hitting a child was the normal way to try to control a child and put the fear of God in them when they stepped out of line with behaviour.
Sometimes I became the mediator between my parents as my father believed that my mother would listen to me and I could calm her down. The funny thing is my father was scared of my mother because she could be very unpredictable, ungrounded and out of control. It was true my mum would listen to me and seem to trust what I had to share and even though I was scared by the anger levels rising I would do what I could to be courageous and step up to the plate of peace keeper when required to do so. However when it was my Dad that was angry and his Jekyll personality transformed into the Hyde creature, anything I would say would just makes things worst and I often got myself into more strife for speaking up and trying to get him to see the error of his behaviours and language towards his children. I recall my younger siblings telling me to not answer back as we all knew the potential consequences. Yet for some reason on many occasions I could not keep my mouth closed as I felt compelled to step up and attempt to get through to my father the error of his behaviour towards his own children. I recall at age 11yr giving my father a birthday card with the words " Please let your children love you".
Like many many adults my father knew so little about unconditional love, he didn't feel loved as a child by his mother and his father dies when he was 2 years old I believe. My father married my mother 27 years her seniors when he was 47. He grew up post 2nd world war years in much harder times where at 8 or 9 years old due to his father having died a few years previous he was the man of the house and would walk for miles to a cattle mart to try and sell a cow so food could be put on the table for him, his younger sister and mother to survive. Oh how he would love to reminiscing about times of the rations. My father had and still does have at age 88yrs a great memory of the olden days as he calls them. So much so he would sound like a broken record sometimes going round and round the old stories on repeat. He was endearing and entertaining for others as he could tell a tell and recite a old Irish poem.
I loved both my parents as any child loves unconditionally their parent in those formative years, they were my everything. I already knew very early on by age 6 that life could be much worst after having spent 3 years in 2 different children's homes from age 3 - 6yrs. I was delighted to belong to these parents even if life was very confusing and overwhelming at times. At least I had good times, laughs and memories of feeling I had a place, a sense of belonging and a value within the family unit and with my siblings 'blood is thicken than water' mentally reined high in my younger years. A tumultuous family to feel apart of and of value too was way better than a non existent family to me at the time and no place of really belonging !
Every day before I would leave for school I would go into my mums room and say good bye sometimes tickling her feet to get a reaction and hope to get her smiling. By age 13 and 14 years I was getting to the stage where I just would have loved a mum that would be so called 'normal ' and make me a simply thing like a sandwich. I just wanted to focus on being a regular teenager and not feel so overburdened with grown up worries, responsibilities, dramas and concern. Little did I know that the one time I did not go into to say good bye to my mum before she left to return to the hospital would be my last. I think it was 2 days later my father came to our secondary school to tell us the sudden and shocking news.
For some reason I was giving the impressions or took it upon myself to always be the responsibly one, so I put my own grieving process on the back burner and did what ever I though was expected of me to clean the house and welcome the mourning guests. Years later a friend of mine would tell me that at the funeral I told her that a adult family member had told me that I needed to be strong for everyone else and not to cry. I did not even recall saying that to her and it was a bit of a shock to hear this years later. It made me wonder how many others things had I forgotten about and put to the back of my psyche as I got on with surviving on a day to day basis.
I was around 18 years when a phone call brought to my attention that I really had only flashing memories of much of my child hood leading up to around 7 or 8 years of age. That phone call was a enquiry that was put out to the children that stayed at one of the children's home I had been in with my 2 younger siblings. Seemingly another child or maybe more than one that stayed there was bringing sexual abuse cases against one of the staff. I am not sure of the details as I did not ask too many questions. I did not feel I had any thing to offer as I really had such little memories of my time there, all I knew is I did not like my time in those children's homes. However as we chatted after my phone call, it became apparent that my next sibling down from me seemed to remember in much more detail events from the children homes which left me wondering why I 15 months older had such little memories.
I have discovered that I am far from alone as many adults share this lack of memories from early childhood years. It is called dissociation and I myself was told by a intuitive receiving insight from my soul signature in 2010 that I in fact went into a altered meditational like state. I feel that this was definitely helpful so I did not get stuck in the past experiences and instead could be more present and look towards the future when I would be able to be strong and balanced enough to heal and integrate these parts of the younger self. When a child goes through traumatic experiences they can just be too over whelming to process or there just is not the opportunity so they kinda get held in suspended animation until the day that they can resurfaced and be resolved through allowing the feeling to rise, accepting the experiences, forgiving the self and others if need be and returning it home to divine unconditional love through the heart and souls energy light frequencies.
Little did I realise back then as a child and teenager that it was in fact this special women I called Mum whom I got to observe pacing the kitchen floor tramped in the merry go round of her fears and paranoia would one day be a big influence in my own determination to follow my courageous heart and discover ways to go beyond her limitations, disempowerment and imbalances as a women. To instead venture out and discover a different way to live life on this planet that sustains, empowers and uplifts health and well-being on all levels; physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Thank you mother whom gave birth to me and for helping me cultivate such a deep commitment to my own resurrection and path of taking flight be like the phoenix rising from the ashes of the harshness, hardships, struggles, disenchantment and abuses of yesteryears norms !
I grew up in times of so much taboo and shame around depression. I am grateful that we live in a world that where more and more people are speaking about mental health more openly and making it more acceptable to speak about. However what is often left out or undervalued is including emotional intelligence and the physical and spiritual connection for positive holistic 'mental health'.
Tension in the body leads to tension and agitation in the mind; unresolved emotions leads to unresolved mental chatter and voices going round and round ones head ( & who's thoughts & feelings are they anyways !?! ), feeling spiritual disconnectedness leads one to feeling ungrounded, untrusting and unsupported by life and ones own spiritual nature and worthiness to know oneself as pure goodness and always taking care of. When one is spiritually disconnected then one depends predominately on the outer world to inform one of ones sense of identity, value and worth. It can fast become a muddle of many different opinions, judgements, prejudices and concepts that create the mental maze, haze and emotional apathy.
That is why the foundations and simplicity of everything I offer under the umbrella of wellness services a is about supporting people to experience the release of stresses and strains, judgements and harshness and return to the feeling heart, gut instinct and innate body wisdom. In essence pointing people back to their own true wise inner self, discernment guidance and essential nature where all is well and all is love.
I feel so grateful that on a soul level I choose my parents so perfectly to gift me the awareness at such a young age of what I did not want to grow up and follow in the foot steps of. By watching my Mum during my formative years I knew where life could take me if I let myself spin too far down what I call the rabbit hole of negativity, low-self esteem, anxiety and depression. So I would do what ever I needed to, to shake off the melancholy when it peaked it's head especially during the winter greyer days. I moved my body with some form of exercise, I wore brighten clothes that made me feel more uplifted, hung out with friend, partied , danced; anything to break free of the mental and emotional shackles and chains. Then in later years I took what I felt like were bigger risks at the time, yet deeper down I knew my happiness, health and well being depended on taking them and so I bought those flight tickets no matter how spontaneous and erratic it seemed to spent what money I had ( or didn't have ) . I went on the travel adventures and training course that felt right to my heart. One by one the perfect opportunity presented itself when I was ready to say YES to heal the past, express the unexpressed and reveal more of my sincere heart while reconnecting with the authenticity of my spirit. I started to discover the many benefits and bigger picture of Yoga, Meditation, Massage, Affirmations etc for BMS peacefulness, calm, self esteem recovery and generally well being and connectedness. In simply I started to realise I felt better when I had them in my life and felt worst with anxieties, negativity and body discomforts returning when I let them slip away for a few days. So I return to them again and again and wow have they served me well through the last 18years +/_ and continue to be the back bone of my own well being journey and that which I am so grateful and passionate to share with others.
It is stated by some at this time that we live in the times of no more secrets and it is not hard to imagine this as truth with all the technological advances these days. What I have found to be true is that the more we reveal our most 'dirty' secrets that may have been cloaked in shame, embarrassment, guilt, low self esteem, regret and find a way to express them positively and resolve them by forgiving others and ourself, then we free ourselves from the hold that they may have had on us once upon a time.
The other amazing thing is that when we are more truly authentic and open we discover that we have more in common for e.g our insecurities and are more alike in many ways than different. This can lead to feeling more connected and supported by one another when we meet each other in empathy and compassion instead of sympathy and victim consciousness.
Bit by bit as ones courage gets affirmed with positive connection we don't need to wear the masks and many hats of different personas anymore, so we drop rolls once played by our persona characters unless they serve us of course and we still want to continue our roll. It is all a choice !
This leads to feeling more and more relaxed as the authentic self, not the one we think we need to show or put on show for others so as to fit into mainstream thinking and be likeable which takes a lot of energy to maintain and a lot of control and lets face it, it is just a ego trip !!! It is so much easier and fun to be ones true self and accept none of us is humanly perfect and by who's judgement and evaluation of 'perfect' have we been trying to attain anyways ! ? ! The real crazy thing is that we live in a world that it takes bravery and courage and healthy self esteem to be ones unique self and trust ones own heart and gut instinct; to drop the neediness of other peoples agreement or validations on our sense of our worth and value in the world.
You are your highest answer. My advice is do what ever it takes to become your own best and trusted friend. Take care of your body, finds ways to authentically express your heart and truth, follow your dreams, follow your joy, take a chance on being your true self and know it is enough. It is not only enough, it is all you can be and all you are ever meant to be, you are a unique expression of all of creation. Just one of you in existence, how amazing is this and that is why your unique finger prints can access your phone and get you through security in airports to certain countries.
Release the pressures of trying to attain someones else's ideals of perfection. Be kind and compassion to yourself so you can be kind and compassion to others, forgive them and forgive yourself for what ever you may think has been done unto you or by you onto another. Once you realise in your heart that you are perfect as you, you are beautiful as you, you are magnificent as you; you will see through more and more through the eyes of wonder and witness these qualities more easily in those around you. You will also become discerning of B.S. and intolerant of false truths so expect to give them a wide birth and focus only on what resonants instead.
I dedicate this writing and tribute with all my humble and loving heart to my MUM Eileen O'Brien. Thank you for being you and gifting me the perfect life circumstance and experiences to grow from and discover my soulful life path, truth and passions for personal empowerment and an authentic healthy, creative and joyful humanity. It is my greatest joy to be of divine service to others and support those whom are ready, willing, choosing and able to step forward in support and love of themselves and others.
Amen <3 May you continue to RIP ( rise in peace ) ...RISE & RISE in your spirit & Souls light <3
My mum had suffered for many years from post natal depression which started after I was born and this got progressively worst over the years until she was verging onto the diagnosis of schizophrenia around the time of her death. I recall over hearing when I a child about her having electrical shock treatments and being on lithium meds and others I don't no the names of. Both my parents took different concoctions of medications for different reasons.
I as her first child born in 1978 loved this women unconditionally and I have some special memories with her. There were times when she would be my protector from a potential punch aiming my way from my father whom came from the era of when hitting a child was the normal way to try to control a child and put the fear of God in them when they stepped out of line with behaviour.
Sometimes I became the mediator between my parents as my father believed that my mother would listen to me and I could calm her down. The funny thing is my father was scared of my mother because she could be very unpredictable, ungrounded and out of control. It was true my mum would listen to me and seem to trust what I had to share and even though I was scared by the anger levels rising I would do what I could to be courageous and step up to the plate of peace keeper when required to do so. However when it was my Dad that was angry and his Jekyll personality transformed into the Hyde creature, anything I would say would just makes things worst and I often got myself into more strife for speaking up and trying to get him to see the error of his behaviours and language towards his children. I recall my younger siblings telling me to not answer back as we all knew the potential consequences. Yet for some reason on many occasions I could not keep my mouth closed as I felt compelled to step up and attempt to get through to my father the error of his behaviour towards his own children. I recall at age 11yr giving my father a birthday card with the words " Please let your children love you".
Like many many adults my father knew so little about unconditional love, he didn't feel loved as a child by his mother and his father dies when he was 2 years old I believe. My father married my mother 27 years her seniors when he was 47. He grew up post 2nd world war years in much harder times where at 8 or 9 years old due to his father having died a few years previous he was the man of the house and would walk for miles to a cattle mart to try and sell a cow so food could be put on the table for him, his younger sister and mother to survive. Oh how he would love to reminiscing about times of the rations. My father had and still does have at age 88yrs a great memory of the olden days as he calls them. So much so he would sound like a broken record sometimes going round and round the old stories on repeat. He was endearing and entertaining for others as he could tell a tell and recite a old Irish poem.
I loved both my parents as any child loves unconditionally their parent in those formative years, they were my everything. I already knew very early on by age 6 that life could be much worst after having spent 3 years in 2 different children's homes from age 3 - 6yrs. I was delighted to belong to these parents even if life was very confusing and overwhelming at times. At least I had good times, laughs and memories of feeling I had a place, a sense of belonging and a value within the family unit and with my siblings 'blood is thicken than water' mentally reined high in my younger years. A tumultuous family to feel apart of and of value too was way better than a non existent family to me at the time and no place of really belonging !
Every day before I would leave for school I would go into my mums room and say good bye sometimes tickling her feet to get a reaction and hope to get her smiling. By age 13 and 14 years I was getting to the stage where I just would have loved a mum that would be so called 'normal ' and make me a simply thing like a sandwich. I just wanted to focus on being a regular teenager and not feel so overburdened with grown up worries, responsibilities, dramas and concern. Little did I know that the one time I did not go into to say good bye to my mum before she left to return to the hospital would be my last. I think it was 2 days later my father came to our secondary school to tell us the sudden and shocking news.
For some reason I was giving the impressions or took it upon myself to always be the responsibly one, so I put my own grieving process on the back burner and did what ever I though was expected of me to clean the house and welcome the mourning guests. Years later a friend of mine would tell me that at the funeral I told her that a adult family member had told me that I needed to be strong for everyone else and not to cry. I did not even recall saying that to her and it was a bit of a shock to hear this years later. It made me wonder how many others things had I forgotten about and put to the back of my psyche as I got on with surviving on a day to day basis.
I was around 18 years when a phone call brought to my attention that I really had only flashing memories of much of my child hood leading up to around 7 or 8 years of age. That phone call was a enquiry that was put out to the children that stayed at one of the children's home I had been in with my 2 younger siblings. Seemingly another child or maybe more than one that stayed there was bringing sexual abuse cases against one of the staff. I am not sure of the details as I did not ask too many questions. I did not feel I had any thing to offer as I really had such little memories of my time there, all I knew is I did not like my time in those children's homes. However as we chatted after my phone call, it became apparent that my next sibling down from me seemed to remember in much more detail events from the children homes which left me wondering why I 15 months older had such little memories.
I have discovered that I am far from alone as many adults share this lack of memories from early childhood years. It is called dissociation and I myself was told by a intuitive receiving insight from my soul signature in 2010 that I in fact went into a altered meditational like state. I feel that this was definitely helpful so I did not get stuck in the past experiences and instead could be more present and look towards the future when I would be able to be strong and balanced enough to heal and integrate these parts of the younger self. When a child goes through traumatic experiences they can just be too over whelming to process or there just is not the opportunity so they kinda get held in suspended animation until the day that they can resurfaced and be resolved through allowing the feeling to rise, accepting the experiences, forgiving the self and others if need be and returning it home to divine unconditional love through the heart and souls energy light frequencies.
Little did I realise back then as a child and teenager that it was in fact this special women I called Mum whom I got to observe pacing the kitchen floor tramped in the merry go round of her fears and paranoia would one day be a big influence in my own determination to follow my courageous heart and discover ways to go beyond her limitations, disempowerment and imbalances as a women. To instead venture out and discover a different way to live life on this planet that sustains, empowers and uplifts health and well-being on all levels; physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Thank you mother whom gave birth to me and for helping me cultivate such a deep commitment to my own resurrection and path of taking flight be like the phoenix rising from the ashes of the harshness, hardships, struggles, disenchantment and abuses of yesteryears norms !
I grew up in times of so much taboo and shame around depression. I am grateful that we live in a world that where more and more people are speaking about mental health more openly and making it more acceptable to speak about. However what is often left out or undervalued is including emotional intelligence and the physical and spiritual connection for positive holistic 'mental health'.
Tension in the body leads to tension and agitation in the mind; unresolved emotions leads to unresolved mental chatter and voices going round and round ones head ( & who's thoughts & feelings are they anyways !?! ), feeling spiritual disconnectedness leads one to feeling ungrounded, untrusting and unsupported by life and ones own spiritual nature and worthiness to know oneself as pure goodness and always taking care of. When one is spiritually disconnected then one depends predominately on the outer world to inform one of ones sense of identity, value and worth. It can fast become a muddle of many different opinions, judgements, prejudices and concepts that create the mental maze, haze and emotional apathy.
That is why the foundations and simplicity of everything I offer under the umbrella of wellness services a is about supporting people to experience the release of stresses and strains, judgements and harshness and return to the feeling heart, gut instinct and innate body wisdom. In essence pointing people back to their own true wise inner self, discernment guidance and essential nature where all is well and all is love.
I feel so grateful that on a soul level I choose my parents so perfectly to gift me the awareness at such a young age of what I did not want to grow up and follow in the foot steps of. By watching my Mum during my formative years I knew where life could take me if I let myself spin too far down what I call the rabbit hole of negativity, low-self esteem, anxiety and depression. So I would do what ever I needed to, to shake off the melancholy when it peaked it's head especially during the winter greyer days. I moved my body with some form of exercise, I wore brighten clothes that made me feel more uplifted, hung out with friend, partied , danced; anything to break free of the mental and emotional shackles and chains. Then in later years I took what I felt like were bigger risks at the time, yet deeper down I knew my happiness, health and well being depended on taking them and so I bought those flight tickets no matter how spontaneous and erratic it seemed to spent what money I had ( or didn't have ) . I went on the travel adventures and training course that felt right to my heart. One by one the perfect opportunity presented itself when I was ready to say YES to heal the past, express the unexpressed and reveal more of my sincere heart while reconnecting with the authenticity of my spirit. I started to discover the many benefits and bigger picture of Yoga, Meditation, Massage, Affirmations etc for BMS peacefulness, calm, self esteem recovery and generally well being and connectedness. In simply I started to realise I felt better when I had them in my life and felt worst with anxieties, negativity and body discomforts returning when I let them slip away for a few days. So I return to them again and again and wow have they served me well through the last 18years +/_ and continue to be the back bone of my own well being journey and that which I am so grateful and passionate to share with others.
It is stated by some at this time that we live in the times of no more secrets and it is not hard to imagine this as truth with all the technological advances these days. What I have found to be true is that the more we reveal our most 'dirty' secrets that may have been cloaked in shame, embarrassment, guilt, low self esteem, regret and find a way to express them positively and resolve them by forgiving others and ourself, then we free ourselves from the hold that they may have had on us once upon a time.
The other amazing thing is that when we are more truly authentic and open we discover that we have more in common for e.g our insecurities and are more alike in many ways than different. This can lead to feeling more connected and supported by one another when we meet each other in empathy and compassion instead of sympathy and victim consciousness.
Bit by bit as ones courage gets affirmed with positive connection we don't need to wear the masks and many hats of different personas anymore, so we drop rolls once played by our persona characters unless they serve us of course and we still want to continue our roll. It is all a choice !
This leads to feeling more and more relaxed as the authentic self, not the one we think we need to show or put on show for others so as to fit into mainstream thinking and be likeable which takes a lot of energy to maintain and a lot of control and lets face it, it is just a ego trip !!! It is so much easier and fun to be ones true self and accept none of us is humanly perfect and by who's judgement and evaluation of 'perfect' have we been trying to attain anyways ! ? ! The real crazy thing is that we live in a world that it takes bravery and courage and healthy self esteem to be ones unique self and trust ones own heart and gut instinct; to drop the neediness of other peoples agreement or validations on our sense of our worth and value in the world.
You are your highest answer. My advice is do what ever it takes to become your own best and trusted friend. Take care of your body, finds ways to authentically express your heart and truth, follow your dreams, follow your joy, take a chance on being your true self and know it is enough. It is not only enough, it is all you can be and all you are ever meant to be, you are a unique expression of all of creation. Just one of you in existence, how amazing is this and that is why your unique finger prints can access your phone and get you through security in airports to certain countries.
Release the pressures of trying to attain someones else's ideals of perfection. Be kind and compassion to yourself so you can be kind and compassion to others, forgive them and forgive yourself for what ever you may think has been done unto you or by you onto another. Once you realise in your heart that you are perfect as you, you are beautiful as you, you are magnificent as you; you will see through more and more through the eyes of wonder and witness these qualities more easily in those around you. You will also become discerning of B.S. and intolerant of false truths so expect to give them a wide birth and focus only on what resonants instead.
I dedicate this writing and tribute with all my humble and loving heart to my MUM Eileen O'Brien. Thank you for being you and gifting me the perfect life circumstance and experiences to grow from and discover my soulful life path, truth and passions for personal empowerment and an authentic healthy, creative and joyful humanity. It is my greatest joy to be of divine service to others and support those whom are ready, willing, choosing and able to step forward in support and love of themselves and others.
Amen <3 May you continue to RIP ( rise in peace ) ...RISE & RISE in your spirit & Souls light <3
We are here at this time on the planet to awaken and inspire one another to be our greatest versions and creative free flowing expressions of self.
A lovely heart warming post shared by my younger sister Sharon reflecting about our Mum whom died 26 years ago in Co.Mayo, Eire inspired me to also share from my heart this day. Thank you Sharon for sharing your authenticity and wisdom. Even though we are sisters I know we each have our own stories to tell and uniques perspectives on that journey. I am very proud as you older sister to watch you blossom and shine in your own truths and self esteem.
